The Family Meeting

The Hunk and I made the decision that we want to start family meetings. We talked it over last night during our date night downtown. We discussed the format of the meeting and when we would do it. Hunk expressed that we needed a conch shell like in Lord of the Flies. I wasn't so sure and had a horrible flashback to pledging when our conch shell, during a heated meeting, was scissors...anyway, we gave it a whirl tonight without the conch:

Me: Are we going to do the Family thing?
Hunk: What?
Buddy: What family thing?
Hunk: Oh yeah a family meeting.
Buddy: I don't want to
Hunk: You can go to your room then
Me: I think the important part of the family meeting is that we are all together as a family (Hunk giving me the, "i don't know why I bother to speak to our children b/c you always think I am wrong" look)
I smiled sweetly and said, "So let's start."

We started our meeting with loads of praise for each child about things we had witnessed over the last week. Buddy's tune quickly changed about family meeting as he got a shy, yet proud, smile on his sweet little face.
Then we started talking about how well the girls did playing together and what a huge accomplishment it was for the Bear yesterday when she didn't cry at a bday party when the birthday girl wouldn't share a lollypop.
Zaz: Well, L gave me a lollypop but wouldn't give one to Bear. I didn't like my lollypop...
Hunk: During family meetings one person talks at a time (giving me the "I told ya so look" regarding the conch)
So we continued the praise and everyone seemed to enjoy it.
We pointed out that Bear had gone without a tantrum today and part of yesterday which is a huge accomplishment and that Zaz had played nicely with her sister all afternoon. Both of them, we pointed out, hadn't whined about anything for the entire day.
Zaz: I have a booboo right here (holding up her arm).
Hunk and I exchanged glances and smiled knowing that Zaz wasn't really sure about the purpose of this family meeting.  Okay really, she didn't get it....
Then we talked about problem areas:
1. Talking back (mainly Buddy but we talked about it at as a whole group)
2. Yelling  Screaming at siblings
During this discussion I said, "You guys need to stop yelling at each other and speak more kindly. Have you ever heard me yell at Daddy?" All three nodded yes and I realized I needed to quickly switch tactics. I explained that even people who love each other some times have arguments or disagreements but it was important to still be respectful (note to self stop raising voice at Hunk and vise versa). So, I said, "have you ever heard me scream at Daddy?" I held my breath for a minute for fear that I would see my little people shaking their heads yes at me. Thankfully, they were not. All three were saying no. Phew...
So we got the point across about no yelling and screaming about things and I did a few imitations of things I had heard recently. I was yelling and really getting into the part. Hunk suggested I close the window. I ignored him.
3. Toys on floor= chance to clean up= no pick-up equals toys in time out for one full day
4. Tantrums= alone time

Zaz interrupted throughout with stories about her life over the past 3 years and I realized we were starting to lose them. I knew I needed to act fast and get them engaged...

SO the teacher in me kicked in and I decided it was time for role play. I asked for a volunteer and Buddy quickly raised his hand. I had a flash of how eager he must be in his classroom. He got to be Hunk and I was the child. I asked for a popsicle, he said no and I started melting down and yelling, "I want a popsicle". I truly behaved as though I might lose my mind if I did not get a popsicle. Seriously, folks we are talking possible Academy Award nomination for best actress when Hunk ruined the moment and asked me to close the window. I ignored him, continued in my role as Bear and stormed upstairs bawling the entire time. I then came back down still crying and Buddy sent me back up until I could be calm.
We tried a few more scenarios and had them put their hand on their head if the child was behaving appropriately. They were full of  giggles as I played the role of dramatic child and they played the role of stern parent. All the while, Hunk looked totally confused at the direction our meeting had gone and reiterated the need to close the window and I quote, "You can be heard all the way in the cul-de-sac." SO????
We reviewed what we discussed, ate Oreos and ended the meeting on a positive note with everyone taking dinner dishes to the sink and heading upstairs for bath.

I think it was a successful first Family Meeting and really it went better than I imagined with a five year old and 2 three year olds!!

Our goal is to do it once a week BUT consistency is not our strong point...

Mommy Doesn't (always) Negotiate with Terrorists

Terrorism is the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion. And while The White House claims to never negotiate with terrorists, not everyone is convinced this is truth.  The same is going on in this white house.

The terror used here is tantrums, whining and crying in order to coerce the victim (me, hunk or siblings) into something. While I do not face the likes of Osama bin Laden, I do face The Bear and, at times, I think bin Laden might be easier to deal with than my girl. Recently, I was accused of giving into terrorism in my home and I took great offense to this observation on many levels but that is for another post.
The reality is, we have a unique lifestyle that involves as much as 6 months of travel by The Hunk. So our lives can be very emotionally complicated. I deal with people missing their daddy, people angry at me for not making said daddy stay home and people confused over how they feel with their main man out of site. It isn't easy on anyone but we all do the best with what we have and make the most of it.  Sometimes, I give into terrorism. I do!  I admit it, but for the most part, I don't. Instead, I work on terrorism prevention but sometimes negotiations are inevitable if I want to sit down and enjoy my latest book or a glass of wine....

Terrorism Prevention

I attempt to prevent terrorism using strategies like my cotton ball system, ignoring the terrorist when they are making demands but some times negotiations, while frowned upon by my elders, is unavoidable.

Example of Unavoidable Negotiations:

Last night was one of those nights. Bear was exhausted as she often is due to a refusal to take naps and now sharing the room with her sister which has led to late night giggle and chat sessions. After the girls each "read" a book to me, I read one to them and put them in bed. Then I did it. I really did it. I sang Zaz's song to her first before I sang to Bear. I didn't know this was going to cause such a stir but boy did it. Bear lost it and I mean lost it. She screamed and cried because she wanted to be first but when the song is already sung what can one do? I can't sing Twinkle Twinkle backward to get the words back. Don't think I didn't consider it. So, instead I sang to Bear but she  didn't want to hear it. The drama got pretty bad with screams, cries, kicking the bed and so on.

Zaz started saying ,"I don't like the screaming." and plugging her ears. "Really?" I thought to myself, "I LOVE it!" And of course the screaming continued and finally I walked Zaz down to the playroom so she could be away from the screams that surely were not sounding anything like a lullaby. I told Zaz she could play until the Bear was done with her tantrum. Zaz had a joyful look in her eye because she knows her sister and knows her well and realized she may have just gotten herself an hour of playtime.

The Bear really lacks the skills to calm herself. I am not sure if that is because I have never given her the chance to learn them as my sweet husband implies, if it is just that she lacks the developmental skills to do so , if it is because she is a spirited child and has more passion than most or because she is simply a terrorist. I am going with the spirited child thing despite the fact that others  disagree (I am attending a parenting class next week about the spirited child).   Anyway, I went back to The Bear and rocked her, sang to her and held her only to have her scream even more and then  say that she wanted to go to the playroom, too.  In her little mind, it was one injustice after another* What to do?  Eventually, I calmed her with the promise that if she stopped screaming, she could walk with me to the playroom to get Zaz and bring her back to their room for bed. Remarkably, that worked.

Sadly, with Bear, I consider the above example a success.

It doesn't always work though. Some nights, like tonight, I am at a total loss. They are exhausted from a fun-filled day at the water park and are fighting and coming out of their room repeatedly with questions and demands when the only real answer is sleep. I can't help them get there. I sing to them, cuddle them, read to them, rock with them and so on but sometimes they just have to do it on their own and tonight is one of those nights.

I am signing up for a parenting seminar at a local children's museum to help guide handling my little terrorist. How do you handle tantrums especially when connected to exhaustion both by your child/children and yourself?
**Have I mentioned that this mama is off duty by 7:05 pm and so I needed to calm her and get her to bed.